Sorry I haven’t been updating regularly. I’ve been working on a scholarly analysis of Christmas-themed comic strips, and now I can officially report the count at 361 for “the number of comic strips that used a ‘Christmas Presents/Christmas Presence’ pun to make a sentimental point” and 286 for “the number of comics that showed a house decorated with a single massive Christmas light bulb” (247 of them red, only 39 green).
Meanwhile, a bearded webcartoonist posted some “‘facts’ that you may not know about Christmas” …
…and I felt challenged to contribute a few of my own.
Oddly enough, there is no record of anybody ever asking Jesus: “Were you born in a barn?”
Then there is the old Amish tradition (now being covered up by the Ocean Spray people) of molding the gelatin-style cranberry sauce into large penile shapes in a kind of fertility ritual. It must work, because 72% of all Amish living today have birthdays in September or October.
The “Frosty the Snowman” story was actually the taming-down of an old legend about the Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas attacking a haberdashery shop and getting surprisingly docile afterwards, due to those infamous “Mad Hatter” chemicals.
The “kissing under the mistletoe” tradition was based on a misunderstanding at an 1874 Christmas party where drunken revelers started chewing on the poisonous berries and their mouths swelled up into a permanent pucker.
The whole “Jingle Bells on the sleigh” idea was originally devised as an early-warning system for unwanted Christmas visitors, who, like the Belled Cat of the Aesop’s fable, were fooled into thinking they were ‘festive seasonal decorations’ and never figured out why nobody was home when they showed up.
And the reason Charles Dickens’ classic story was titled “A Christmas Carol” was because it was originally intended to be sung. Unfortunately, for the first performance, Dickens hired an unknown performer named Ezekiel Federline and the performance was a disaster.
I know I am going to Hell for this, but at least I will be in pleasant company.